Koh Kood - Gangsta's Paradise

A friend just told me about Gizoogle, an app which ‘pimps’ out your profile, translating it into gangsta slang. Here’s what it says about Kao Jai Thailand: Travel thug Julie Miller n' her musings on Thailand, where she'd rather be n' aint a thugged-out damn thang dat yo' ass can do."

Today I was planning to write about Koh Kood, another of my “places in the heart” - my favourite destinations in Thailand. I don’t think I could do it more justice, however, than to simply rehash a previous story I wrote about the island, gizoogle-style... 

“WHEN I stumble across tha mythical "road less travelled", itz up in tha last place I expect. Yet here it lies before me - brand freshly smoked up n' smooth, without a cold-ass lil hoopty or motorcycle up in sight fo' realz. All hopez of hailin a ride immediately dissolve; seems I have no chizzle but ta hoof it ta mah destination five kilometres away. 

This surely must be a gangbangin' first fo' Thailand - a road wit no traffic. But Koh Kood is no ordinary Thai destination; itz a island defined by its resistizzle ta tha trappings of 21st-century tourism. Imagine - no airport, straight-up few hoopties, no ATMs, no 7-Elevens n' no McDonald's. Thanks ta tha effortz of enlightened locals wit a eye on sustainability, Thailandz fourth-largest island remains paradise found. 

In tha far eastsideern reachez of tha Gulf of Thailand near tha Cambodian border, Koh Koodz remotenizz has been its saviour. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Just gettin here requires time n' effort; itz at least a one-hour speedboat ride from tha closest mainland port of Trat, while tha hood ferry takes bout three hours. 

Like most visitors ta tha island, however, I arrive via Koh Koodz larger n' mo' ghettofab sista island, Koh Chang, a two-hour journey by speedboat. Though I aint booked any accommodation, I've had ta nominizzle where I be bout ta be dropped off; on a gangbangin' fellow travellerz recommendation, I chizzle Koh Kood Resort.” 

You get the idea, no need for me to take the joke any further! 

Basically, if you’re after a pristine patch of paradise, where the water is warm and clear, the beaches soft and white and the accommodation still affordable, you need look no further than Koh Kood. 

There’s not much to do, mind, except for laze around, read a good book, or maybe hang out in a beach bar watching the sunset. There’s a waterfall to visit, and a fishing village. And countless secluded bays to swim in. If you’re after nightlife or shopping, forget it - this is the Thailand of old, simple, traditional and totally sublime. 

Suffice to say, Koh Kood is truly da shit.

Pics: Julie Miller

L.O.S or Loss? Secure Travel in Thailand

Regular contributor John Borthwick looks on the darker side of travelling life. 

There’s a joke about how foreigners arrive in Thailand and seem to leave their brains at the airport. Well, why not? You’re on holidays in the Land of Smiles, the happy valley of mai pen rai. And, especially if you’re young, you’re bulletproof. Right? 

Statistics, those grey party-poopers, reckon otherwise. Some 100 Australians died in Thailand last year, largely due to illness and accident. 

OK, unless you’re very dumb, drunk or unlucky, you probably won’t come home in a box. Maybe just traction. But plenty of other bummers do happen. 

Let’s get smart about the common ones. 

Theft. It’s real. Always use your hotel room safe or a deposit box. Don’t carry around your vital documents and cash “safely” in your bum-bag or shoulder bag — it’s the easiest target in the world for snatch-and-grab. Carry photocopies of your docs, cards and info separately from the originals. Also, photograph the lot and save the images to your laptop or phone, and a webmail account. If you do lose valuables (through theft or otherwise) report it ASAP to the police, and get a signed, dated report. Without that, your insurer won’t help. 

Insurance. Rafting, biking, climbing, diving, partying ... what’s to worry about? If you can’t afford good travel insurance, stay home and save until you can, because you can’t afford to be in Thailand without it. 

Bank stuff. Be watchful for “skimmers” on ATMs, aimed to capture your PIN. Cover the pad when you key-in. Even so, the ATM fees themselves can feel like legal theft: any cash withdrawal against a foreign bank entails a 150 baht ($5) fee-grab for the Thai bank, plus your home bank’s charge, plus currency conversion fees — ultimately making frequent, small withdrawals very expensive money. If you’re concerned about credit card theft or scams, get a “damage limitation” card with a low limit (say, $1000) and use it exclusively. New credit cards and passports have smart chips designed for RFID readers, but these can also be read by a thief located near you with a reader, making your information vulnerable. Korjo has developed inexpensive “Defender” pouches with an RFID shield to block such theft. 

“Friends” and other strangers. Don’t presume that all thieves are local punks. Fellow travellers, especially in shared budget accommodation, can be very light-fingered and soon very gone. Don’t tempt them. Similarly, if you meet an agreeable local person in a bar and decide to extend the friendship back in your room, make sure that all your valuables are locked away before your mind is on other things. 

On the Road. Whatever you secure your valuables in, don’t then stick it in the overhead storage on a plane or train. Keep it on you. Thailand’s intercity passenger vans are fast, furious and cheap. Unfortunately they’re often too fast and jam-packed, being piloted by guys on speed trying to maximize their daily runs and profit. Serious prangs happen. Think about the bus, the legroom, the restroom, the aircon ... 

Motorcycles. The most common cause of significant grief. It’s easy to hire one, even if you’ve never been on a bike in your life. However, if you don’t have a current Australian motorcycle licence (not just a car one) your travel insurance won’t cover a thing when you wipe out — wearing thongs and no helmet? Yes, it wasn’t you fault, sure — but it is still your hospital bill. Medicare doesn’t apply outside Australia and Thai hospitals can charge like wounded red bulls. 

Jet-skis. Don’t go near them. In Phuket and Pattaya, in particular, tourists are extorted every day by the jet-ski mafia who inevitably discover your “damage” to their craft on its return. Threats, violence and official indifference mean that you pay up, big time. If, however, you do hire one and then cause death or actual damage, you’re in even deeper trouble. 

Random tips. Pack a couple of small padlocks, and a supply of light cable-ties — for temporarily securing external zippers, etc. Hotel keycards can sometime contain your un-encoded data on the magnetic strip; break them before discarding. Be mindful of drink spiking; it happens rarely but, depending on the circumstances, don’t leave your drink unattended. Never get into a fight with a Thai — it won’t be one-on-one. At internet shops and public computers, log-out fully, clearing your password and history.

Pics: John Borthwick

White Elephant in the Forest

Tradition or conversation? That’s the question that’s been raised since the image of a white elephant was recorded a few days ago by cameras in Kaeng Krachan National Park in Phetchaburi province in Thailand. 

White elephants are considered sacred in Thailand; they are said to bestow prosperity and good fortune. A white elephant featured on the national flag until 1917; and a white elephant is still the ensign of the Royal Thai Navy. All of Thailand’s 10 known white elephants - six males and four females - belong to the King, and are kept in captivity at the Thai Elephant Conservation Centre in Lampang. All of these animals were wild-born, as it is forbidden to breed white elephants. 

The Royal Thai Navy flag

A Royal White tusker, Phra Sawet Adulyadej Phahnon (now deceased) 

Famous image of the King meeting the above ele

According to reports, there is a 6 million baht reward for anyone who captures the so-called white elephant (which is more like a light grey, with fair lashes and toenails) ... but elephant experts are arguing that this money would be better spent on preserving habitat and protecting the wild elephant herd. Surely this would be more auspicious and forward-thinking than bringing yet another wild-born animal into custodial care. 

But in the meantime, further evidence is required to prove that the elephant in question is indeed a white elephant. Salt licks have been created to lure the herd closer to cameras, while the heavy media presence in the park has been restricted to give the elephants space. 

My hope is that the powers-that-be use this opportunity to make a real impact on the welfare of Thailand’s precious wild elephant herds by spending the promised capture money on conservation instead.

One of Thailand's auspicious white elephants - or maybe just a normal elephant with makeup on...

Volunteers Wanted!

Well, I hope all my friends in Thailand have recovered from the madness of Songkran ... no one celebrates quite like the Thais, and the New Year water festivities are loads of fun if you don't mind being wet for days on end!

But as with all parties, someone has to clean up afterwards. Unfortunately, Thailand's rivers are often the receptacle for a whole lot crap following major events, which impacts hugely on the whole environment.

A friend living in Chiang Mai just posted this fantastic community event on Facebook that's coming up on May 2 - a clean up on the Mae Wang river, an hour's drive into the mountains from Chiang Mai. The event is being held by the people at Chai Lai Orchid Nature Bungalows, and they are offering volunteers a day of free bamboo rafting, a Thai BBQ and snacks in return for pitching in and helping to clean up the river.

Sounds like an awesome cause, and a fun day to boot.

*NB - rafting is at your own risk ... and even though Thailand's rivers are generally pretty tame, there are snags and little rapids that can make it quite hazardous. My daughter once went bamboo rafting near Chiang Mai - her raft was 'steered' by an eight-year-old boy, who took them straight though the middle of a rapid. The raft snapped in two, everybody fell off, some of the customers couldn't swim, and my daughter lost her Haviana thongs ... devo. Just a cautionary tale...

HOWEVER, this does sound like a fantastic, worthwhile event, so if you're in the Chiang Mai region, get yourself down to the Mae Wang River.

Anyone interested in volunteering should email: explore@ChaiLaiOrchid.com

http://chailaiorchid.com/keep-thailand-amazing/

The Genius of Thai Low-End Fusion Cuisine

While ex-pat chefs bring traditional Thai food back to the Thais, the Thais are doing their bit in reinventing western cuisine. Culinary master Oliver Benjamin reports on the latest taste sensations...

When most people find out I now live permanently in Thailand, most knowingly wink and poke me in the ribs with an elbow and say “I bet I know why,” they say, conspiratorially, “…the food.” 

And yes, I suppose it’s true. There are many countries in South-East Asia with friendly people, warm weather and stunning scenery. But none of them can match Thailand for the anticipation that a hunger pang can produce. But what my friends back home don’t know is that they don’t know that half of it. What they think of as “Thai food” is just a tiny smidgen of what this vast culinary empire can whip up, seemingly out of thin (or in Bangkok, thick) air. 

I’m not just talking about the really weird stuff that strikes fear in the heart of the average meat-and-potatoes Western tourist. Upon visiting a local market, most visitors soon find out that beyond pad thai and tom yum goong, some Thais also fancy snacking on deep fried insects, blood tofu and pig’s ear. In fairness, these selfsame finger-pointers see nothing wrong in eating varieties of spoiled dairy products. As the French say, chacun a son gout, which is appropriate, given that they eat snails. 

Yet what I find even more fascinatingly bizarre (and, to my palate, more tasty) are the inventive concoctions that Thai cooks can come up with when trying to interpret certain staples of Western cuisine. Of course there are many authentic Italian and American restaurants here; I’m talking about the ones that are wilfully inauthentic. 

I will list my favourites here, dishes I wish I could get back at any of the zillion Thai restaurants in the West that serve exactly the same narrow sliver of dishes available in this extraordinary country. 

Thai Style Fried Macaroni
: At first blush, one can see something vaguely Italian about this dish, but appearances can be deceiving. First of all, that rich looking tomato sauce is actually sweet and sour sauce made with ketchup and soy sauce. Containing chicken, bell peppers, onion, scrambled egg and shallots, one might see some allusions to the Israeli dish “shakshuka” but Jewish influence on Thai culture, admittedly, has been minimal. Nevertheless, it is an unexpectedly delicious concoction, unless the chef takes the homage one step too far and covers it with slices of processed cheese, effectively destroying the dish. 

Thai-style Fried Macaroni - so good, it's blurry!

American Fried Rice: 
It sounds like the beginning of a joke, but it’s not, and what’s more, it’s awesome. Not only delicious, but a veiled social commentary on a plate, this ketchup-fried rice with raisins, accompanied by a fried chicken leg, hot dogs and a fried egg on top seems to aspire to the unfettered caloric ambition of most American fast-food restaurants. The raisins may seem an odd choice, but they add a piquant sweetness that perfectly complements the various layers of delicious saturated fat. 

American fried rice. The orange faecal matter is a Thai hot dog, cut into 'flowers'

The sticky rice burger
: Normally only found at the ubiquitous 7-11 convenience stores (originally a Texan company that was bought by a Japanese company which has had its greatest success in Thailand – Viva Internationalism!). Grilled pork and sticky rice is a popular dish from rural North-eastern Thailand, but who has the time for a sit-down meal? Even Isaanese farmers are finding their schedules increasingly accelerated these days. And so, the engineers at 7-11 created a pork patty sandwiched between two “buns” made of shaped sticky rice for the agrarian-on-the-go. You can even add ketchup (In case you haven’t noticed, ketchup is arguably more popular here than in the United States.) 

Special mention: 
Woe to the backpacking tourist who leaves the bosom of the beach to find that their favourite snack, the oddly-monikered “No Name” is nowhere to be found. But there is hope! These deep fried vegetable and starch balls served with sweet chili sauce are actually a Thai version of the Indian pakora. So you see, it’s not just Western favourites that Thailand has skillfully adapted into uniquely curious menu items. Japanese sushi, Taiwanese bubble tea, Korean barbecue and Chinese bao have all been given a Thai makeover here, sometimes with inspiring results (and of course, let’s be fair, sometimes not). 

In closing, let me say that if there’s one thing that separates Thai culture from most other world cultures, it’s that it is so resolutely un-separate. They have long been unafraid to incorporate elements of the outside world and make it uniquely their own. One may not always appreciate the results, but one has to admire their ingenuity, courage, and (perhaps) sense of humour. 

Okay, I think I’ve earned a scoop of Thai iced tea ice cream. Yes, you’re correct, it is as insanely delicious as it sounds.

Places in the Heart - Malibu Beach, Koh Phangan

I'm in the process of buying a house, which has got me thinking about special places in this world, places that grab you by the short and curlies, tug at heart-strings and hold a special nook in your soul. There are several locations in Thailand that are particularly important to me, places that have left an indelible impression on my heart and mind, places I yearn for when I need 'me' time. Over the next few weeks, I'll share a couple of these with my readers, which will hopefully also be a cathartic exercise for me! 

First up, one of my favourite beaches ... Malibu Beach in Koh Phangan.

"F....ing Bob Marley," Meen swears, in a most unladylike, and very un-Thai fashion. "I'm so sick of it, day after day after day!"

My daughter and I can't help but giggle - even though we are a little shocked at our massage therapist's outburst, we can't help but agree - the reggae music on 24/7 rotation at Malibu Beach Bungalows can wear a little thin. And dear little Meen, whose massage sala is idyllically located right on the beach, cops it constantly.

Soundtrack aside, life at Malibu Beach is sweet. Very sweet. For visitors like us, the Marley soundtrack pumped from the beach bar seems appropriate, the perfect accompaniment to the relaxed, super-chilled vibe of this near-perfect Thai beach. 

Located in the north of Koh Phangan, Malibu Beach is a popular hangout for day-trippers from the southern beaches, as well as the residents of the attached resort. My daughter and I have chosen to stay here, well away from the Full Moon party crowds of Haad Rin, but just a walk from the rustic fishing village of Chaloklum where there are plenty of restaurants and bars.

Not that we need them - Malibu Beach has its own beach restaurant and bar, where we tend to spend day-time meals at least. It's pretty deserted at night once the day-trippers leave, so our nights are usually spent either in the village or on the west coast beaches such as Haad Salad.

The day-time ambience at Malibu, however, is unbeatable. With its powder white sand and warm blue bay water, this is Thailand at its most pristine. Jo and I park ourselves under the shade of a coconut palm, and spend each day doing absolutely nothing. Occasionally we drag ourselves down to the water to swim. Then we make our way to the restaurant to eat and have a beer. Perhaps a massage at Meen's beach sala. Then a nap on the deck of our cabin, swinging in the hammock. Checking the internet on the free wi-fi (a major plus!). Reading a book. 

Life doesn't get much better than this.

The most basic bungalows at Malibu Beach start from 1000 baht a night in low season, up to 1400 over the Christmas peak season. They are pretty rustic - just a double bed (mosquito net and linen provided), and an en suite bathroom with hot and cold water. No room to swing a cat, though the hammock on the deck is a nice touch. There are bigger, more luxurious bungalows available from 2500 baht a night, but we were quite happy with what we had. 

There's also a pool at the resort - nice if you want a change from the beach - and scooters are available for hire. 

Ah, Malibu Beach. So beautiful. Man, I wish I was there right now ... lying under that coconut palm, listening to "I'm Jammin'" ... 

www.malibubeachbungalows.com

  

Mae Hong Son: Thailand's True North

Regular contributor John Borthwick admits he’s a sucker for old teak towns and mountain mists. No surprise that he loves Mae Hong Son in far north Thailand.

With some 1864 bends on the tortuous route between Chiang Mai and Mae Hong Son, you need to be a resolute traveller to not hop off the bus at Pai, roughly mid-way. However, much of this once snoozy upcountry village has now gone to T-shirt racks and night market ruin.

If Pai is a Thai-dyed farang fusion town, then Mae Hong Son, farther west, is still a living, working Thai hill town. Mae Hong Son sits just beside the Burmese border in far northwestern Thailand – a place of wood-smoke and temples, hot springs and cold nights, ATMs and opticians. It has a dreaming-pool lake and an airstrip right in the middle of town, and only one traffic light.

Now, if only it had a beach and a strip of beer bars? Thank Buddha it does not. This is a walking town. Stroll around its lake that reflects the glittering spires of Wat Chong Klang and Wat Chong Kham by day and night. On every street you’ll pass a few surviving teak buildings — boxy, two-storied shop-houses whose venerable timbers seem alive with the tales of those who’ve lived within. These grand old dames make Mae Hong Son one of Thailand’s last “teak towns.” They don’t make them like this any more, the buildings, the teak or the towns.

Wat Doi Kong Mu

I hoof it up almost a thousand steps to where Wat Doi Kong Mu sits on a mountain overlooking the town, a marzipan castle of whitewashed pagodas and golden gee-gaws. From the summit you can look across to the hothouse jungle hills of Myanmar’s Shan state. Up here, the tiny Before Sunset Café has a sunny deck, shade parasols and fine local coffee that can cause you to linger over daydreams, tossing into the valley whatever plans you might have had for the rest of the day.

Many visitors join trekking tours in the surrounding mountains and hill-tribe villages. Most of these have been "sight-seen" for decades so don't expect too much anthropological virginity. However, there will be plenty of carvings and embroidery coming at you for sale.

Other visitors take the tour to nearby Huay Sua Thao village, there to rubberneck at the so-called Long-Necks, the famous Karen tribal women who wear multiple brass rings around their apparently elongated necks. (In fact, their shoulder and collarbones are depressed rather than their vertebrae being stretched.) Advertised crudely as “Giraffe Women”, it seems to me like a human freak show, so I skip it and go play in the mud.

Mae Hong Son is known as "the City of Three Mists," thanks to its fogs in winter, bushfire haze in summer and rainy mists in wet season. I see none of these, but instead find a fourth kind of vapour – clouds of steam rising off the mineral mud pools at Phuklon Mud Spa.

Two attendants paint me from head to toe in black mud (not a pretty sight), the starting point in an hour-long ritual that involves baking dry in the sun, being scrubbed with tamarind paste, immersed in mineral springs and finally anointed with lanoline. By the end of it I feel like a million bucks although it has cost me only $25.

I don’t want to leave lovely Mae Hong Son but when I must, it is by air. Leap-frogging those thousands of bends back to Chiang Mai in 25 painless minutes is indeed a lofty pleasure.

Getting the job done ... PICS: John Borthwick